I can’t believe it’s time for goodies and pumpkin spice again, but the calendar assures me that All Saints’ Day is upon us. I rather enjoy the season of macabre decorations and horror movies. Trapper John, on the other hand, doesn’t want it. I’d be more likely to get this man to watch a Hallmark movie with dancing penguins than any story that includes a haunted hotel, a demon-possessed car, or Jamie Lee Curtis.
Most “scary” movies aren’t as intimidating to me as a lot of things in real life. Given the choice between an afternoon with Freddy Krueger on Elm Street or a trip to the local Department of Motor Vehicles, I’ll take the first one every time. At least I know it’ll be over in a few hours.
You know I could be on a great new business model here. Let’s combine all the things people dread doing and put them under one roof. It could be a one-stop-shop for taxes, root canals, blood tests, colonoscopies, auto repairs, estate planning and funeral arrangements. I can see it now, the store’s name is shining across the Bentonville skyline: Lisa’s Law, Labs, Last Rites & Lube Express.
Instead of sporting goods, groceries and housewares departments, we will have the Drilling division, made up of first year dental students, for all your denture, oral surgery and extraction needs. Legal Lane will handle last wills and wills, advanced takedown guidelines and 30-minute divorces. The funeral branch will have funeral directors ready to assist you with your eternal selection of cremation, burial, donation to science, or being shot in space (available only at our locations in California).
Accountant Alley will take your paycheck, give 80% to the government, keep 10% for the accountant’s fees, and return the remaining 10% to you in the form of “Lisa Loot” credit, which can only be used in the store. Long queues will lead you to the Tag team, who will register your truck, trailer, land or livestock, and issue new driver’s licenses to those who successfully pass our shopping cart driving experience. . The Sawbones Center will meet your medical needs, and Clunker Connection will temporarily repair your doorbell trap or sell you a new one to get you out of the parking lot. (As is, no warranty; see dealer for details.)
Need help? Clowns will be around every corner to provide exceptional customer service. Pennywise’s pros will also take care of the black cats, ladders, spiders, snakes, and broken mirrors scattered along the aisles.
Jaws and Psycho themed music will serene your shopping experience. You will leave the store via a 12 story roller coaster with a flight simulator that will crush you in shark infested waters. (Flotation devices available at an additional cost.)
Once outside, you’ll discover a pop-up – I mean, pop-up – tent featuring the Pant Palace, where you can choose from a variety of new pants, in case you’ve filled your own.
Yeah, I think I’m really into something here. It will be fantastic and will make me wizard and famous.